B: Regaining Strength: A Craving and Resistance

Stronger I become

The harder it is

To resist the urge to fall

No blood has splattered

Upon these wrist

Years it has been

And hasn’t been done

My heart pounds

It aches, yearning for me to make my mistake

Away, I turn from every blade

A sense of insecurity in the touch

Turning away, my back to face

Anything that may seem sharp

Despite the cleansing

The memory isn’t lost.

For now I stand above

What I used to be

Easier to let the feelings go numb

Yet here I stand, feeling weak

A poison I’ll never fully

Be cured of because

If I forget who I was

Then how will I know who I become?

Walk away

I hear myself say

A hand touches my side

I turn, the beholder is someone I love

A friend, a lover,

To my surprise a stranger

Anyone can smile and stop me from returning

To the path that I once thought

Was the only one.

-
Written 3.28.19

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S: Never Forgetting Pain

There’s something on my mind

How do I express

I’m in pain but I don’t want it to go away

Part of me remembers

The days I used to drown in it

Now I’m not supposed to feel this way

But to me it’s necessary

Partly because can’t always see, clearly

Sometimes I miss the way I used to be

In reality, that’s not how I’d like to be

However, I got used to it you see

In this vision of mine I’m sided with the worst of me

It’s easier than fixing

And all and all, I’d like to see myself smiling all the time…

The fear in me takes over

How can I survive living this life if I don’t remember how bad it was then

In the end I probably shouldn’t be

Describing, the way I was in my worst

Cheerfully, shouldn’t I be at my best

Shouldn’t I be welcoming the good times?

Here we are, listening to, the pain that I’m letting soothe itself

Grasped tightly around my heart

When will it let go

Time will know

When I’m ready

There’s so much and I can say ‘I'm’ happy’ but

I’m not exactly prepared for this moment

Terrified, is how I feel

Why can’t you accept that smile, those eyes

Because even I, have that fear inside

Remember when you said you were invincible?

I do.

Although, today’s not the day,

I can’t exactly explain

There will be one day

-

Feb 22 2016

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S: Our Suffering

Mend me, Break me

Mistaken me for what I believed,

was what truly seemed

Trusting, Rebuffering

Known suffering

How long will this last?

Insure me, A breather

Somehow my grave keeps digging deeper

Past six feet under

I look down at our borderline

So what am I to you?

A mistake? An excuse?

The real deal? The amusement for your lies.

I’m here at the borderline

No farther, no closer is fine

How much longer?

Because my heart won’t last.

Deciding, after this whole time

Reminding of the old time

Question, how divine?

Trust me! When I say I’m not fine.

After all of this, how do you-

expect the route to become smooth when

we can’t even communicate through this?

What is it that bothers you?

What have I done?

Is there something I can do?

Are there issues unspoken?

On the inside I have you, and part of your heart

But the same goes for you, it’s what keeps up from being apart

But how many times do we

Have to bicker and walk away

With my anger, and your secrets

How are we, supposed to be…

Expecting to get better

Because this isn’t what’s the matter

Not that we don’t know that there’s something wrong

But our pride together!

After taking, one deep breath

Tears staining my cheeks

I can say, that sadly, I won’t say this to you

Because you told me to never say it

But the truth is

I’m still

In love with you,

But it’s not only that

How can we attract

When you refuse to interact with me

Not telling me the truth doesn’t only hurt me

It hurts you, and now we’re both suffering. 

-

Written May 20th, 2015

6 - 100