B: Regaining Strength: A Craving and Resistance

Stronger I become

The harder it is

To resist the urge to fall

No blood has splattered

Upon these wrist

Years it has been

And hasn’t been done

My heart pounds

It aches, yearning for me to make my mistake

Away, I turn from every blade

A sense of insecurity in the touch

Turning away, my back to face

Anything that may seem sharp

Despite the cleansing

The memory isn’t lost.

For now I stand above

What I used to be

Easier to let the feelings go numb

Yet here I stand, feeling weak

A poison I’ll never fully

Be cured of because

If I forget who I was

Then how will I know who I become?

Walk away

I hear myself say

A hand touches my side

I turn, the beholder is someone I love

A friend, a lover,

To my surprise a stranger

Anyone can smile and stop me from returning

To the path that I once thought

Was the only one.

-
Written 3.28.19

18 - 100

S: Forever

Although I'm moving forward a part of me still wants to see

The future we decided was 'possibly'

It hasn't been long since we spoke for the last

But I do know that what we have will never end

It's not about the love

It's about the pain

About our war

All the white flags we raised up with turmoil in our voice

What it's about is the frustration

The confusion, the care

About two humans who want humanity to prosper

Our 'love' was for each other then it changed to the world

But we never stopped understanding who we were

I faltered, I thought I failed you

When I pushed myself up I realized I didn't fail

I saved my world

I walked away, and as I did you said to me

Be careful, I'll always be here if you need me

And that's the hard part about turning my back on you

I'm trying to improve my version of love without your picture

But all I see in you is a human with faith

Someone who cares about others and won't negate

Although your faith is 'in the end'

And mine is now and never 'depends'

It still hurts knowing

That our version of 'love' is forever and never ending screams of caring blood

-

Written September 11th, 2015

10 - 100

S: In Hopes

What am I supposed to do

When I think about you

My heart says

Let it be

Although the time is not the best

Everything towards my happiness says "Go"

And even though I care so much I don't know how I bluff these insecurities

My love for another

Lost in the words of the wind

However

The heart that I had for them

Still exist but now I know

That I can love another

Somehow I care for the person that I loved

And it's been since them

Recently for me to love

Impossible it is for me

To completely let go

But when I see you

I somehow know

That there's something else that I can do

To fall in love again

It may take some time with them

Because it'll take some time for me

All I want to do is love you like I would with a full heart

It's harder though to become one with a new soul

You care so much about what other people think

Here I am turning my back to these people's need

We're different but in the same way- we can provide what the other cannot say

We are not alike but we understand

At least you know I care

But you don't know how much I bear

Within me

I keep my secrets

My barriers

That I'd let you see

If it didn't involve me

Bursting into tears

I hope you understand

I care

And I know you want to as well

I'll let you get yourself together

While I'm putting my broken prices in an orderly fashion

There's nothing else I can do

It's all I have

And I hope you

Can love me too

-

Written on September 18th, 2015

7 - 100