B: Regaining Strength: A Craving and Resistance

Stronger I become

The harder it is

To resist the urge to fall

No blood has splattered

Upon these wrist

Years it has been

And hasn’t been done

My heart pounds

It aches, yearning for me to make my mistake

Away, I turn from every blade

A sense of insecurity in the touch

Turning away, my back to face

Anything that may seem sharp

Despite the cleansing

The memory isn’t lost.

For now I stand above

What I used to be

Easier to let the feelings go numb

Yet here I stand, feeling weak

A poison I’ll never fully

Be cured of because

If I forget who I was

Then how will I know who I become?

Walk away

I hear myself say

A hand touches my side

I turn, the beholder is someone I love

A friend, a lover,

To my surprise a stranger

Anyone can smile and stop me from returning

To the path that I once thought

Was the only one.

-
Written 3.28.19

18 - 100

S: Restless

 There’s tension in my soul

 I feel it losing control

 And all I can do is ignore

 My heart it’s beating

 Not fast, not slow

 But I feel it tugging, keeping a hold

 Of what’s left

 Of this soul

 Questions arise

 For the depth of unknown

 And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do

 I close my eyes, thinking that I’ll grasp it for you

 Not only, are you in my life

 But now I’m slowly starting to realize that I

 Don’t want to lose you

 The old way that I was, picture it

 What I had been, better for it to fit

 My old habits, but this one is part of my personality

 Why can’t I loosen this tentious part of me?

 

 Listening to my own heart beat

 Hearing the music in the background

 My thoughts aren’t clear

 I need clarity

 When I close my eyes, I imagine

 Being connected, and now?

 I don’t feel a thing but I know it’s there

 And it makes me sad to think

 Future. Please define thee

 Surprise me sure, don’t kill me

 Everyone knows the ending

 And the beginning is simple

 But innocence

 Has gone to waste

 After all this time

 And in between are questions we seeks answers to

 Until then, the five w’s

 Swirl among my head

 I laid down today

 Needless to say- I didn’t like what my mind had to say

 Are you losing yourself?

 How long till then?

 Remember when?

 Are those tears I feel?

 How often?

 Who cares?

 What will you do?

 Where are you going?

 When will you do what you want to do, when will go where you want to go.

 Why anything?!

 I don’t know.

 It’s the murky waters of my soul

 I feel it slipping, away

 Rest in the peace of yesterday. 

- 

Written 12.4.15 

13 - 100

S: Bittersweet

There's something about this whole ordeal

A bright light, an appeal

And here I am caught up in the middle

Many years have pained me

But now the days of being ‘sane’ isn't out of reach

The quality of my escape

A slow unravel, with sharp slips now and then

Unphased because of the end

There's a brightness that I'll keep up in my mind set

To ease the pain and remember the depths.

Of the bittersweet days of pain

-

November 27th, 2015

9 - 100